March 20, 2010- Whiskey and Milk

We are always afraid to start something that we want to make very good, true, and serious.

~ Brenda Ueland

This is the first time I have been afraid of a page.  Really, it's the idea of an audience.  I've decided to ignore it for now, in the interest of beginning.   I am making myself carve out a space and write, to hold onto the language at the core of myself. I have always been a lover of words - they have danced alongside me for as long as I can remember.  Yet with the advent of mothering, they've scattered; I grasp for poetry and find instead air, clouds, dizzying blankness. Thoughts are formed and then lost in the haze... And so, a blog.  A place to capture elusive musings and make them real, to share the joys that catch my attention, to give form and voice to the faintest of dreams.

As a new mother I find that I am in subtle danger of being eclipsed- lost in the swirl of days and my daughter's smile.  A dear friend calls it 'so much constant', being endlessly occupied and seldom alone.  I didn't realize the force of that gravity, the strength of that undertow.  I see now how fiercely I must fight for my selfhood- for daydreams, for novels, for coffee and long walks with friends. A blog can be a room of one's own: a quiet place to honor the self and think aloud.

Why 'Whiskey and Milk'?  I've always thought it would be a great name for a band.  They are both drunk often in our home- never together, though I know that’s possible!  I love that there are clear moments for each, that there is a need in me for both the fire and spice of whiskey and the creamy goodness of milk.  I want to honor both the mischief and the mothering in my life, and to live in the places where they meet.

So a toast!  Cheers to all the varied joys of an ardent life, and to the chronicle they create.