Doubling Down

Well, we pulled off our first expat Thanksgiving. Mum and Alan came, and there were cocktails and candles and turkey and (gluten-free) carrot cake. Today I’m sprawled on the couch recovering… so, not that different from being in the U.S. apart from the lack of football (sad!). It was odd, though, how A still had school, and the supermarkets weren’t at all crowded, and everyone around us went about their regular Thursdays. It made it feel like our own private holiday. A secret feast. I’ve made a habit of thankfulness this year, and there is so much… I’m most grateful to be having a Big Adventure in the midst of so much chaos and darkness.

It’s been hard to settle into a new place during a pandemic- it sometimes feels like we’re only half-here. With the current restrictions (no school events, no visiting each other’s homes, restaurants closed at 6 pm) it’s been harder to build community. In many ways we’re still hibernating as we were in the mountains outside Seattle, the three of us cooking and reading and watching it grow dark outside our windows. We mainly have each other, as all households do right now. It’s just a little different to draw in like that when you’re divorced and used to living alone.

In the first months of the pandemic we were thrown together by necessity (homeschooling) and learned how to live as a family again. In solidarity we made peace with it- and against all odds, it worked. Essential, as it turns out, because in moving here we’ve doubled down. The combination of pandemic hibernation + living in a new country without community has made it feel like our little family is marooned on a remote island. Luckily, we still enjoy each other’s company and this particular island is quite lovely. Scotland is not a hard place to be marooned 😊

Even though it’s all so odd and isolated, there are moments when it feels surprisingly normal- Thanksgiving dinner, for example. Tromping along muddy paths by the river. Exploring museums and castles. Dropping A off at school in the mornings. I get glimpses of what it will be like when our world can expand, and I can’t wait. No matter where you live, everyone is in that state of suspended animation right now. I feel more impatient here than I did in Seattle because what I’m waiting for is new, and time-limited since we’re only here for a while. I’d love to meet up with my cousins for dinner, cheer at a field hockey match with the other parents, have tea on my neighbor’s roof, join a rowing team, spend a weekend in Ireland… now that I’ve had a glimpse of living here, I want the full experience.

So- we’ve decided to double down and stay a second school year, through next summer. I want to make the most of it, and it felt like we’d be leaving just as the world opened up. I’ve also committed to a new role at work that’s based in Europe, so I can stop working Seattle hours.

There’s always risk and uncertainty in doubling your bet; I didn’t know how it would be to live here together/alone, and I don’t yet know the impacts of being away from our lives in Seattle an extra year… it could all fall apart tomorrow (it’s still 2020, after all!). But you double down when you have something good to go on, some sense that it’s safe, and somehow- here I am. Thankful.